EVI SHAW: It is possible to conquer childhood demons

SAVE YOUR LIFE NOW! GRAB YOUR HOW TO QUIT SMOKING IN A WEEK FLAT BOOK NOW! As I was watching the news on various channels and the coverage of the Michael Jackson memorial service, it was mentioned several times that Jackson was not able to shake the demons of his childhood and let go of associated scars.

This compels me to say that experiences of an adverse childhood can be overcome and have been overcome. It is my understanding that our president’s childhood was less than ideal. Yet look at what Obama has achieved on his own, neither crediting nor blaming events of his childhood for his success.

Brian Wilson, formerly of the Beach Boys, worked through his struggles with schizophrenia with some capable and not-so-capable therapists to the point that he was able to pick up his career writing and singing songs again on his own.

One would think Jackson had access to the finest and most capable mental health providers in the world to help him overcome his childhood demons. Evidently, he fell into the trap of being medicated and then medicated more and more, to the point of no return. It could be that, later on, Jackson even refused the services of a psychotherapist, when taking medication was made easy and effortlessly available to him.

I never was a fan of his musical style, but I am truly sorry that his life ended so tragically.

I see people in my practice wanting to rid themselves of their bad childhood experiences. Some people do so successfully by letting go of old negative thoughts and feelings of the past that do not serve any purpose for them in the here and now. They are also willing to admit their parents did the best they could even though it may not always have been socially or legally appropriate.

These people quit blaming and accept responsibility for their own behavior.

Then there are people who hang on to their anger, guilt, shame, frustration and everything negative they can think of. So what can be reasonably expected from going into therapy?

Your therapist cannot make you happy by making you accept your husband is a drunk and will not quit, when you are not willing to accept the fact, but want to stay with him for financial reasons. Your therapist cannot make you happy when trust has left your marriage to the point that you hire a private investigator to keep tabs on the spouse or look at all her communications hoping to find the evidence.

Your therapist cannot quit eating for you or make you quit buying things you do not need because you want to medicate emotional hurt. These unrealistic expectations tend to produce failure in therapy, with people tending to think the therapist does not know what he is talking about or that “it” — the therapy — does not work. When therapy does not work, it is often the case that the patient or client does not want to work on his or her concerns.

Research has shown that a good relationship based on trust and liking is more important to the success of therapy than the type of therapy used. So to work through problems, find a therapist with whom you feel comfortable, and then set reasonable expectations.

Counseling serves to produce positive change. Without change people stay the same, do the same things over and over, and get the same results. Change is work for both the therapist and the patient or client.

If people are not motivated to change, chances are that therapy will produce few, if any, results.

Therapy can help people take control of their lives. Luck controls only a small percentage of our lives. We control the majority of it, despite roadblocks that will invariable occur in our lives. Some people experience more of these than others, but we all have the inner resources to function better in our lives. These resources just need to be elicited in therapy.

So if you think you are in a rut and there is no way out, find yourself a good therapist to show you the way to fix yourself and get rid of or alleviate the concern of so-called childhood demons.

Evi Shaw is a licensed professional counselor in solo private practice, a diplomate of the American Psychotherapy Association and an approved consultant of the American Society of Clinical Hypnosis. Contact her at Evishaw@verizon.net.

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